Top 25 Funny Quotes & Sayings

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Collection of the most humorous quotes & funny sayings of all time. Read these funny quotes from famous authors, comedians and we assure you will laugh a lot.

funny quotes

Funny Quotation

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments. – Earl Wilson

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch.

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

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